Tales of a Neurotic Woman

My girls went on vacation with their dad, as they always do, twice each summer. This time he took them to Montreal. There was a huge ruckus on Saturday as my innocent children couldn't get past the border without their birth certificates. I must have received a dozen phone calls. I was out of town as well so it was hours later when I was finally able to fax over their birth certificates and they were able to enter Canada. (I'll refrain from making smart comments about my ex's wisdom in all this, not to mention the fact that my kid's were not the only ones without proper identification - ok so I tried to refrain). This was all resolved about 8pm on Saturday. It is now past noon on Monday and I have not heard from them since. I've called 5 cell phone numbers and left messages numerous times. I cannot call the hotel since I don't know where they are staying. My mind is reeling with thoughts of well-executed abductions including birth certificates willingly provided by the custodial parent.

Update: I've since heard from them and it seems they are in the only place in North America with no cell phone reception. I'm trying to figure out why I immediately went to the worst place possible. I did this a couple of weeks ago too, when a phone call at the end of a 5 minute walk never came. I usually assume the best unless I have a reason to otherwise. Maybe it's cause they're on the tail end of growing up and my influence is waning. This deep seated fear I never had before has suddenly reared its ugly head. I don't like it and I don't like the feeling.

There's another feeling I've had lately that I don't like. It's reminiscent of a deep, dark place I used to dwell in full of emotional intensity and addictive roller coasters rides. I used to revel in dwelling there, like there was no truth beyond it, no better place from which to view reality. Anything else was an illusion. I thrived on it, and it did me some good then. It was a place I needed to go to survive, at a time in my life that welcomed it. Even when I no longer required it, a piece of me remained, inextricably tied there. Finally and cautiously I moved beyond it. I haven't fully examined what it means to live where I now reside, joy is still sometimes elusive and love even more so, but I am happy to be here. These old feelings have awakened in me a desire to move further away from them, to continue to search out experiences of joy and light, and love. I've had an odd wish today to drink a glass of wine and dance, just dance as if dancing will set me free.