So, I've been blogging in my head over the past few days. Many things on my mind, not the least of which is the situation in Haiti. My fascination with Haiti began when I first read Edwidge Danticat's, The Farming of Bones. Soon after, I found out my cousins were planning to adopt a Haitian boy. Definitely one of those coincidences in life I have learned to pay attention to. Since then, I have read Danticat's, Brother I'm Dying, and my cousins have permanently moved to Haiti with their family. Besides being deeply affected by the tragic earthquake this week as a human, my personal ties have made the burden I carry that much heavier.
Speaking of burdens, the transition I speak of is about releasing a burden I've been carrying with me for quite some time. An emotional burden. One I have now effectively severed ties with in the present tense, however the history associated with this burden and the habit of carrying it around is making it much more difficult to release it for good. Though I am getting better at it every day. Actually as I type this and reflect on the most recent events surrounding it, I realize I am in it and I'm not feeling it. It's almost as if....do I dare say it?....yes, I really don't care anymore. Whatever's whatever. I'm not going to let it take up anymore of my energy. Paradise.
See? Transition to paradise. Exactly.
I intended to write about the lunar eclipse that ushered in the new year and the solar eclipse of today and the effects it had on my sign, Cancer. I'm not feeling the urge to post my own interpretation anymore. Suffice to say that it was supposed to have a huge impact on a close relationship and my needs, and it certainly has.
Another easy segue; now for the 'About Me' part of this blog. I've come to the conclusion that in most of the important relationships in my life, it's never been 'about me'. Not that it has to be all the time, or even most of the time, but it should never be 'this is not about you' or 'you shouldn't be feeling that way'. Never. If two people are involved, even if the discussion revolves around only one of them, the other one obviously cares enough to be there, and should be valued as such. Not devalued, or used. I've put myself in that position way too often. It's time to focus my energies elsewhere.
On the personal front, I am stronger. I desperately wish I could do more for those in need in Haiti. I believe I spoke about that dreaded helpless feeling in my last blog. Here is the link to my cousins' organization. Please help.
Joy in Hope
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6 comments:
Thanks for the link, Leo. And the post! I always love reading your writing and love seeing you around here more.
I could relate to a lot of what you said, and I hope this next year is "about YOU" already, damnit.
I actually seriously envy the not caring part. Seriously. Like I'd give just about anything (well no, not really, cuz that gets into too much self-sacrifcing; instead suffice to say I really, really want) to feel that. I am so happy for you that you are, and I hope that feeling serves you well!
Keep on bloggin'!
This is good to read (if I'm interpreting it correctly, of course). An un-balanced relationship is not healthy for either party, neither the one giving or the one taking. There's a lot of attachment involved, instead of true feeling. It's good for you open yourself up and move on.
Funny, as I've stopped blogging, you've started up again ;)
Thanks, both of you. The whole thing is still a work in progress, but each moment brings me closer to the ultimate conclusion. I can see it now, which says a lot!
T, why have you stopped blogging?
Re: blogging-- I kind of explained it in a recent post at my blog. I haven't actually stopped, I'm just going through a dry spell.
Reading Chrys' comment again, I want to reply to the idea of not caring. I think it's important to continue to care if that person was meaningful in your life. Whatever else happened, we should continue to care just because they're a human being and out of gratitude for whatever good things there were in the relationship. The trick is to not let that caring pervert into feelings of responsibility and attachment. That's when problems arise. Does that make sense?
Makes a lot of sense. Unfortunately, that's how I roll. The lesson I am learning is to also realize when it's time to let go. I should clarify, it's not so much not caring at all, but not letting that affect me. It is what it is and I must separate the two. It's been a long, hard road.
Tam, I totally agree. I guess I was thinking "not caring" as in "not needing to get involved in" or "not caring what the other person thinks of me all the time," or rather just, being able to let go. The actual caring is always there, but like you said the real lesson is how to be able to care without getting attached or getting unrealistic hopes up, or something like that. That's the kind of not caring that I long for. I will always care about anyone I once deeply cared for.
I hope I am making sense.
Tam I do hope you will start blogging again before too long!
Glad to see you both on here!
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